Fatherhood

I'm going to become a father.

It has taken a while for that reality to hit home, and it probably still hasn't even now after the antenatal classes have been had (x2), the room has been set up and the child seat installed in the car. Even though I have purchased a onesie from the merchandising shop for my football team I fear that I am still not ready. Of course it is rare that anyone is really truly ready, and at the time the decision is somewhat clouded by the prospect of sex.

As I grew up I periodically had visions of what it might be like to have a child and to be able to pass on various wisdoms I had accumulated over many years of often painful lessons. Occasionally I would also fantasise about how that child might casually discard all advice I was imparting in favour of whatever their friends would proclaim to be the absolute truth. For example the certain death that results from eating spinach. Perhaps my subconscious was passing judgement on the value of my collected wisdom. At any rate my life experiences were such that I had decided that people suck and putting more of them on this planet would be doing a disservice to the child, the planet and my ability to do what I wanted. Of course what I wanted was mostly to stay home and not put up with the sucky people.

So for nigh on half a century I was satisfied that I would be the end of my particular line and enjoy the consequences of that. Chief among them the freedom to eat what I wanted, go where I pleased and control my own finances. Being able to afford to eat and service a mortgage at the same time provides a powerful rush of superiority when you are surrounded by people who cannot. This is probably a Sydney thing.

They say the only constant in the Universe is change, and as big a fan of change as I am not it ultimately caught up with me too.

I'm not sure at which point in my life my father went from looking after me to me looking after him. Mum has some strong opinions on this but as he slowly deteriorated from a man who liked to drink and smoke to a man who suffered from the consequences of those pastimes I pondered what he had taught me and how those lessons would come to any use. In all fairness he was not particularly scholarly, though he had a degree in political science, and wasn't inclined to sit down and explain his thoughts and beliefs to me. That in itself was a lesson because as much as we think we understand of the world when we are young age gives us the wisdom to know, in retrospect, we were idiots. Idiots who managed to survive the world through sheer dumb luck.

There is also my sister, who appeared to be equally happy to end the family tree in this generation, but then announced she was pregnant by handing me a picture of an ultrasound. The technology is constantly improving to the point where I have seen a remarkably detailed 3D image of my unborn child but that particular image was more like the static of an analogue TV (lack of) signal. I know that comparison is rapidly losing currency but the takeaway here is that it took me several moments to comprehend what I was looking at and the message it was conveying. At that point I knew my life was changing, hers much more so but that wasn't really my focus. As it dawned on me what she was telling me shock and delight jockeyed for the theme of my response to her. To this day I'm not sure which of them won that race in the photofinish and I am much too cowardly to find out by asking the only other person who might know the answer.

It's OK to change your mind. People will be surprised, but they won't care.

My nephew is a delightful young man now, though I am assured that is not always the case, who will have all the opportunities he could want for.

So there it is. I can change my mind, I can apply the lessons I learnt to make a better human being and in doing so I will address the imbalance between people who suck and those who do not. I am choosing to be the change I want to see in the world, and it scares me.